As a life story writer, there is a moment when I am interviewing a client and recording their story that I look for. It's a feeling of empathy, a vibration, a sensation of resonance inside. It’s how I know I’m 'getting' what a person is telling me. It comes from the heart, not the head.
I interviewed a sculptor once for a magazine. He talked about working with the grain of the wood instead of against it, about simply finding what is there beneath the surface … about how that shapes you over time... following the patterns of nature. He talked about removing the unnecessary, stripping back to find the ‘form’ inside.
It was as if he was talking about how I write, particularly about writing people’s life stories and memoirs … and I knew exactly what he meant. Among the jumble of words that come pouring out in an interview, it’s how I whittle away the excess to find the truth. I felt myself starting to buzz as he spoke … a sense of excitement, a relate-ability.
I have been lucky enough to interview many passionate, creative people over the years, and this is always my favourite point in an interview – it’s usually when someone starts talking about what inspires them. I feel this energy coming through them, and it starts to affect me too … I start to get lit up inside along with them.
WHEN TWO BECOME ONE
At that moment in an interview, it’s as if the boundaries that separate us are lowered. I get a sense of what it is like to be them.
In transpersonal counselling, resonance is cited as the ‘healing metaphor’ (Larson). What this means is, when the counsellor is so attuned to the client, they start to operate at the same frequency. The counsellor can feel what the client is feeling. It’s a deep connection on an underlying, unseen level where guards are let down. Once the client is ‘seen’ in this way, when they feel like the counsellor really ‘gets’ them, that’s when real healing can begin. It’s about the relationship between them, and it’s how trust and understanding are built.
It’s the same with life story writing and interviewing someone for an article. You begin to gain an understanding of the interior life of a person, what their world is like, how it is to BE them – and you can translate that onto the page.
storytelling as a COMMUNITY healing modality
A few years ago, I worked on a project that aimed to tackle racism, which sounds like a huge endeavour – and where better to start than with our young people. We ran a competition in schools and asked children to interview a refugee or immigrant in their community and write their story. The concept behind the project was to create awareness and an understanding that, once you know someone’s story – where they come from, the hardships they have survived, what they love – once you have ‘seen’ them, you will feel a connection with them. And once that connection takes place, racism, fear or hatred cannot continue …
It was a project that we felt would bring down the barriers between people and create more harmony in our schools and communities.
The best of these stories were gathered together in the books Dark Dreams: Australian Refugee Stories and No Place Like Home (Wakefield Press), and these books became required reading in schools for a time.
sHARING OUR STORIES AT END OF LIFE
When I have recorded the stories of people who are dying, I have seen how easy it is to leave it until it is too late. It is quite common for people to decide, in their very last days, that they DO want to tell their story. Whether just to re-visit it for themselves, or to leave it behind for their families. I have also seen them want to keep telling their story, as if hanging onto it for dear life.
I have worked with people who are palliative and who have had enough life energy still in them to share their experiences. I have see them witness their own life stories and relish in the experience, which gives them the chance to appreciate their lives on a new level.
I have experienced that sense of empathy, that resonance, as they explore the ups and downs of living – what they learned, what they loved. It’s a beautiful thing to share with someone at this stage of life. But there are those who leave it too late … who are barely able to speak anymore because they are too far gone or on strong pain medication. Their stories are sadly lost to their families and future generations. That opportunity for connection is lost.
I urge you, don’t leave it too late.
Heather Millar is a life story writer and journalist. She also has a degree in psychology and a diploma in transpersonal counselling. If you have a story to tell, get in touch.